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Say you'll try

  • Feb. 3rd, 2009 at 2:51 PM

all i need is to feel your love
please show me care
don't walk away
walk with me
on our journey through life
be my friend
my very best friend
one who's proud of me
one who thinks i'm exciting
one who wants to be with me always
i'd be lying if i said i wasn't scared
scared you might change your mind
i've shown you how i care
but what have you given back?
i want to mean something
to you and only you
you have my heart
i don't know if i can take it back
i don't want this to end
please don't walk away
throw away the lies
the broken promises
i can't take it anymore
and i don't deserve
i can't be the only one trying
it has be the two of us

...*to be continued*...

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A New Day

  • Jan. 20th, 2009 at 12:45 PM

I got up and worked out this morning.. as well as last night... yay me! I have to drive about an hour and 20 minutes to work everyday so getting up earlier than I have to has always been a problem. But I'm trying to do things a little differently. I feel like I have a lot more energy to start my day with.. I only hope that I can continue to keep this up!

And now we have a new president in the US! I can only hope that he can help to turn this country around... it's kind of scary with everyone losing their jobs, houses, etc. So far I've been fortunate to still have mine so I'm crossing my fingers that that continues as well! I hope the "change" our country needs is for the better...

So Valentine's Day is coming up. Oh yes, that wonderful holiday! Last year at this time I was anti-valentine's dayin' it.. my boyfriend and I were in one of break up spots... however we've been together for a little over a year and I have to say things are much different than last year... thank goodness! But now I have to come up with an idea of something to do... I swear there are just too many holidays & birthdays in a year!

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long time no see!

  • Jan. 19th, 2009 at 1:28 PM

It's been awhile since I've updated on here so I thought I might as well do that now!

Not a whole lot has been going on lately... kind of glad the holidays are over so now I can get back to trying to save money and start looking for an apartment for my boyfriend and I! I can't wait to be out of my house... not that's it's all that bad, but I was out on my own before and that made coming back a difficult change. So fingers crossed it happens sooner rather than later!

Other than that I've just been working. Recently started selling Avon as well as having my design job. I figured I'd give it a shot because every little bits helps and let's face it, I definately need the money!

In a few months my brothers fiance will be able to find out what the baby is.. I'm pretty excited. Can't wait til the little one arrives and I'll have someone else to entertain me at home!

Anyways, not much excitement going on in my world. When I have time again I'll update more! Lata =]

Writer's Block: Top 10

  • Dec. 23rd, 2008 at 6:03 PM

It's the time of year for "10 Best" lists. What's on your personal 10 Best—events, movies, music, anything—list for 2008?


View 500 Answers

10. Stepbrothers - greatest movie ever!
9. Finding out I'm going to be an aunt
8. Spending wonderful times with the people who matter most to me
7. Finally taking a step towards making myself happy again
6. Landing a graphic design job... FINALLY!
5. Getting a new car
4. Making new friends
3. My brother getting engaged
2. Weddings, weddings, and more weddings
1. Meeting the most wonderful guy I could ever ask for! ♥

On the upside

  • Dec. 23rd, 2008 at 10:45 AM

So today has been going better. I'm trying to keep my head up and keep on keepin' on! Life comes at you in different ways, some are just easier to handle than others. I talked to my best friend yesterday a little about what's going on inside my head and she helped me clear a few things up. (I love her.. she's the best..I'll also be meeting with her later today and I'm very excited about that!) I need to see myself through others eyes and stop critique-ing everything about myself. I need to see that I do have a big heart and I am a caring person.. just around new people it's harder for me to connect to them right away and show my true self. So maybe that should be a resolution for next year! Along with quitting smoking and the million other things I want to do in life! Anyways, only a few more days til christmas and I'm getting excited again! For that, I am very happy. I love this time of year, minus the freezing cold weather. Needless to say I am definately ready for summertime already! 

On another good note I should only be working half a day today. My department is going out to lunch for Christmas and after that my boss said we should be free to leave! As long as nothing major comes up so I'm keeping my fingers crossed! This next week off is going to be awesome... I'm in need of a major break so I can't wait.

I believe that is all for now.. not much other excitement going on in my jumbled up mind!

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Losing the Holiday Spirit

  • Dec. 22nd, 2008 at 1:55 PM

I don't know what my problem has been the past couple days but I seem to be losing my holiday spirit. I was so excited last week and every day before that, but now I'm just really down. I can't seem to snap out of it. All I know is I don't like it. Since I've been on my pills, (anti-depressants... although only a few people know this but no one knows I have this journal) things were going great, or atleast they seemed to be but these last few days have been a different story. I'm getting those anxious feelings back and feeling like no one wants to be around me or nothing I do is good enough. Why can't I just be normal? I'm just hoping these feelings pass.... soon.

My Own Person

  • Dec. 22nd, 2008 at 1:53 PM

[I want to be my own person
want to make a difference
to make an impact
on someone else's life
bit first more than anything
I need to believe in myself
I need to gain confidence
to learn to love myself again
let go of the negative energy
keep the positive light shining
I want to be my own person
to continue growing
living & learning
to be independant
to be my own unique individual]

So I should be getting my registration sometime in January. However, the warranty that I had is no longer valid now. They are filing a restitution (I think something like that) for all the people to possibly get their money back for their warranties, and if they are found guilty then they should have to pay us that money back. Blah. The cop said it could take a couple months up to about a year.. there's really no way of telling. Plus it's hard to tell if I'll even get my money back since they obviously have none to pay the fee/charges/etc. for this whole court thing. Yay me. Haha I should have something would have to go wrong!

Also... last night my brother finally told my dad he's gonna be having a kid! And amazingly enough, my dad didn't freak out, thank goodness! He's not exactly thrilled by it but he said what can ya do.. and he's happy that my brother is excited about it... YAY! ♥

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9 days ♥

  • Dec. 16th, 2008 at 2:23 PM

Only 9 days til christmas! I'm so excited.. and I can't wait to have a week off from work. I'm off from Dec. 24th til Jan. 1st.. pretty awesome eh? I thought so.. can't beat that!

Anyways, I'll be off to the police station to drop my papers off today. Hopefully they get a hold of me and let me know what's going on as soon as possible!

At home.. my dad still doesn't know he's going to be a grandfather. I'm just waiting to see when my brother finally tells him. My mom keeps telling him to do it but so far he hasn't had the courage, although I can't really say that I blame him. I couldn't imagine being in that position. I'm 23 (will be 24) in May and I can't imagine having a kid at this point in my life. I just wish him the best and all my love & support ♥

I have a few things to buy for Christmas today (thought I was done, which technically I am, but I have to pick some things up for my mom for someone else!) and then I am DONE! It's crazy how fast it came.. this year just flew by!

That's about all the info I have for now.. I have to get back to working on my newsletter. Happy Holidays! ♥

Happiness Quote

  • Dec. 15th, 2008 at 1:34 PM


[ Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.]

I love that quote.. & it's so true!

Interesting News

  • Dec. 15th, 2008 at 11:39 AM

So back in October I bought a new car. Not extremely new, it's a 2000 pontiac sunfire. Well, the place that I just bought this car from recently went out of business.. I heard they owed $50,000 in back taxes or something like that but who knows for sure what it was.

Anyway, a cop called me today about my car. I hadn't received the registration yet, and it's bothering me because I thought I should have gotten it by now. Well, I came to find out the people at the car place never sent it to PennDot. So tomorrow I have to make a copy of all my info and take it to the police station, along with whatever else info I may have because now I may or may not still have my warranty that I already paid for. Grrrrrr.... makes me a little angry! I dunno what all is going to go on yet.. I just hope I'm not paying however extra for nothing... time will tell! I'll update later when I have more info!

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The Secret to Happiness

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 4:25 PM

never too far away

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 4:08 PM

you can barely breathe
as they pull me out of the car
you start to panic
wondering if this is it
my body is limp
i faintly hear your screams
as your held back...
i want to talk to you
i want to reach out to you
but i can't move
i feel like i'm in a dream
they say there's a lot of blood
but i don't feel any pain
i want you to come closer
if they could just let you go
for only five minutes
i want to hold you
to feel you this one last time
to tell you i love you
and everything will be ok
i hear sirens
somewhere in the distance...
now you're next to me
when did they let you go?
you grab my hand
tell me to just hold on
a little while longer
i can open my eyes now
i look at you
tears streaming down your face
i try to squeeze your hand
but i'm too weak
you wipe away my tears
i whisper i love you
the best that i can
you're starting to break down
even harder now
i say it'll be ok
you just shake your head
vision going in and out
don't want to take my eyes off you
don't think it'll be much longer
i'm becoming so relaxed, so peaceful
i say this is it
you can move on with your life now
i'll be watching over you
never too far away
i hope you save
a place in your heart for me
and get all you ever wanted
i want to see you smile again...
you cry harder now
but please don't cry
i don't like seeing you like this
it's just my time...
another tear rolls down my cheek
you wipe it away
and kiss my forehead
i say live your life
with no regrets
learn from your mistakes
i won't be here in person
but i will be in spirit
you say i can't go
that you do love me
but things will be ok i say
don't you see?
this happened for a reason
another of life's struggles
but don't give up
when you need to talk
i'll still be hear to listen
giving you some sign of my presence
you say you're sorry for everything
i say don't be
no one's perfect...
my breathing slows down some
people are rushing all around
if they only knew
i wasn't in any pain
you're squeezing my hand
so much harder now
i say trust me, you'll be ok
and with my one last breath
i whisper i love you...
you grab me, hugging me
wanting me to come back
they let you be for a little while
then they pull you away
you collapse to the ground
i'm still right here beside you
i'm still listening
wanting to hold you
but knowing you won't feel my touch
so i'll stay here beside you
cause i said i'd never be too far away...
i promise i'll never be too far away

another fight against yourself

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 4:07 PM

live your life
like it's your last day
don't give up
until the pain goes away
it's just another fight
another fight you'll survive
the fight against yourself...
there's no one to back you up
it's gotta be you
it's gotta be you
you're strong enough to make it
you did it once
you can do it again
just look deep inside
you'll find what you've been lookin for
you'll find what you've been missin
but you can't give up, you can't give up
live your life
like it's your last day
don't give up
until the pain goes away
it's just another fight
another fight you'll survive
the fight against yourself...
people think they know you
they don't know how you feel
they don't know what you want
you can only depend on you
don't let them get you down
don't (let them) second guess yourself
do what makes you happy
do what you need to
live you're life
like it's your last day
don't give up
until the pain goes away
it's just another fight
another fight you can win
another fight against yourself

goodbye

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 4:07 PM

he doesn't see
all the pain she holds inside
he doesn't understand
what she's really feeling
he doesn't know
how hard it is for her
she's completely lost
trying to find herself
unsure of where to turn
she's slowly giving up
realizing loneliness is what she's used to
he doesn't see
that part of her has died
replaying the images in her mind
over and over
until she can't take it anymore
but she's finding her way back home
to where she belongs
he wants her to come back
he's asking for a second chance
but she knows she needs to stay
to get her life back on track
she's beginning to see
she's starting to be herself again
he doesn't want to see
this is her chance to be happy
cause he thinks
he can't go on without her
but she knows
sometimes things just don't work
no matter how hard you try
no matter how much you love
she knows
she could resent him for everything
& to an extent maybe she does
but she's slowly
letting go of the past
looking forward to this new beginning
not wanting to give false hope
she goes on with her life
stating her peace
and hoping for a clean break
he thinks
she's making the biggest mistake of her life
that things could have been great
with only another chance
but she thinks
you always want what you can't have
and you don't realize what you have
until it's gone
but he never lost her
not until that day
when she knew it was over
she saw what she needed to see
cause she lost him a long time ago
long before
she ever had the strength
to finally say goodbye...

the goings on in my world today

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 3:06 PM

So it's not a very exciting day. It's a friday so that's the most of my excitement and the day has actually gone pretty quick! I'm excited to get out of work and see my boyfriend.. our plans for tonight are finishing up our christmas shopping. YAY! Only 13 days til christmas... I can't wait! I'm very excited to spend it with him this year... he has been absolutely wonderful. In the beginning things were pretty rocky due to an ex but I couldn't ask for a better person in my life. He treats me so good and he truly cares about me. December 26th will be a year! ♥ It definately doesn't seem that long, which I would like to think is a good thing!

My best friend texted me this morning and apparently her dog bit her in the face last night, so she now has a black eye. I'm still baffled.. I thought she fell or something! But atleast it wasn't any worse than that.

While we're doing christmas shopping tonight I think we're stopping at Taco Bell which I'm totally psyched for cause I've been healthy all week. Haha.. how sad that I need greasy fattening food to make me happy! Oh well.. it's all good. =]

Only an hour and 20 minutes of work left... woohoo! I should probably get back to work on a few things.. I have a newsletter I have to finish!

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Live Healthy ♥

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 1:34 PM




I've been starting to eat healthier and work out more and this was my attempt at a self motivation piece.. enjoy!

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I'm going to be an aunt. WOW

  • Dec. 12th, 2008 at 8:09 AM

So my brother told me the news 2 nights ago... he's gonna be a daddy! Him and his fiance are both 19... obviously they are engaged but they don't live on their own yet. I'm pretty excited for them but my dad doesn't know yet. I have a feeling it's not going to go over nicely. I'm hoping my some miracle he doesn't flip out, but we shall see! My brother is planning on telling him next week sometime.. or so he knows. Right before I'm off work for a week for Christmas haha.. it should be an interesting time!

I can see that my parents might not be happy about the situation, but I think they should try to see the positives in it. I'm worried about my brother and his fiance and I just want everything to turn out alright for them. Saying I'm going to be an aunt makes me feel even older! I just wish them the best, and I'll be there supporting them no matter what, especially if no one else is. ♥

Writer's Block: Coast Range

  • Dec. 11th, 2008 at 8:43 AM

If you had to choose, would you rather live in the mountains or by the ocean?


View 501 Answers

Hmmm.... I think I'd definately have to say by the ocean! ♥

Different Thoughts

  • Dec. 11th, 2008 at 8:39 AM

A few thoughts that came to mind when I was writing in my journal! They may evolve into something more at some point...


Be free. Be crazy. Be you. ♥

No one is perfect. Accept your flaws. Move on... & learn to love yourself.

It's the little things... that matter the most.

Dreams are the source of our existence. What we aspire to be.

Creativity is my communication. ♥

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